Miss Gloria Täken
woke up and once again surveyed the sophisticated decoration of her hotel room
in New York City Negative Falls midnight before she went to bed. It was true that for a
thirty-year-old she hadn’t had a great deal of experience of the world. And
perhaps she might be reacting somewhat naively, but she was so looking forward
to impressing her grandmother when she showed her the cream-colored bath towel
embroidered with the words La Sagesse Hotel.
As she is getting
dressed she allows herself to slip into a memory of that warm summer’s day back
in Negative Falls , Iowa New York Nishnabotna River
Dear Miss Täken,
First
of all, welcome to New York
My associates at our Des Moines
Wishing
you the best of luck and a good stay in NYC,
Yours
truly
Marty
S. Rubbenstoff
Producer
“Answer the Question”
Gloria Täken
finishes reading the letter with a smile, and is clasping it tightly to her
breast when the telephone rings. She picks up the receiver with some
hesitation, and then hears a voice say, “Miss Taken? Your limousine has
arrived.”
Marty “Smiley”
Rubbenstoff frantically flicked through the pages of his personal organizer
looking for the schedule for today’s first ever live show. “Where the hell does
Marlene file these fucking things?” he spoke out loud, prompting a response
from Leon, his driver. “You say something, boss?” Leon
asked, rather dangerously turning his head towards ‘Smiley’ in the back seat,
and noticing with some satisfaction that his boss had finished his morning
masturbation. ‘Smiley’ was always in a good mood after a brisk wank in the
traffic. “You keep your fucking eyes on the traffic, Leon .
You wanna get us in an accident? Huh? And me with my fucking dick out?”
“Obviously not an extremely successful breakfast”, thought Leon, “The bastard
must have something on his mind.”
And at that
moment ‘Smiley’ found what was on his mind: the rundown of and the lowdown on
today’s show and contestant. The latter, and to a certain extent the former,
was Miss Gloria Täken from Iowa, who would nicely fill up the whole program by
answering four questions on her special subject and narrowly failing on the
$10,000 question. “Let me see… With the commercial breaks and the spot for the
band… I make it… just about a tight 60 minutes…” said ‘Smiley’ loudly yet
slightly apprehensively. “You want me to drive round the block for a while,
boss?” answered Leon, mistaking ‘Smiley’s’ intention.
According to the 2000
census, Iowa had 2,776,755
inhabitants, a decrease of 4.7 percent from 1990. Whites made up 96.6 percent
of the population and blacks 1.7 percent; additional groups included 7217
Native Americans, 4618 persons of Korean origin, 4442 persons of Chinese
ancestry, 3374 persons of Laotian background, 3021 Asian Indians, and 2882
persons of Vietnamese descent.
Since pioneer days Iowans
have placed a high value on the provision of educational and cultural
facilities. Many of the state’s historical points of interest commemorate
pioneer days and famous Iowans. The Herbert Hoover National Historic Site, at
West Branch, includes the birthplace and childhood home of the nation’s 31st
president. The Dvorák Memorial, at Spillville, commemorates the Czech composer
Antonin Dvorák, who worked in Spillville briefly in 1893.
For most of its history, Iowa has had an agricultural economy based on one
crop – corn. But industry has been diversified, and service industries have
grown in importance; Des Moines is a
leading U.S. insurance center. Each
year millions of tourists collectively produce more than $2.5 billion for Iowa ’s economy and generate over 45,000 jobs. Among
the most popular attractions are Effigy
Mountains National
Monument Lake Okoboji Spirit Lake Iowa ’s major Mississippi
River ports include Keokuk, Burlington ,
Davenport , Clinton ,
and Dubuque . The Missouri
River ports are Council Bluffs
and Sioux City .
“Iowa ,”
Microsoft ® Encarta. Copyright © 2001 Microsoft Corporation. Copyright © 2001
Funk & Wagnalls Corporation.
“Negative Falls
Miss Täken
arrives at the parking lot outside the studio, is shown through the main doors
by a man in a uniform, and politely allows herself to be ushered along a
somewhat dirty corridor by a nice young man. The nice young man stops at a door
on which there is a sign with the words “Rubbenstoff” and “Producer” written on
it. To the right of the door there is a little red light with a little green
light below it. The red light is on. The nice young man tells Miss Täken that
this is Mr. Rubbenstoff’s office and takes his leave of her.
This
is Mr. Rubbenstoff’s office, ma’am. The producer. I’ll be taking my
leave of you now.
(The NICE YOUNG MAN leaves)
MISS
TÄKEN (to nice young man)
Why,
thank you, nice young man.
(MISS TÄKEN knocks timidly on the door to the
office)
MISS
TÄKEN (clearing her throat and speaking)
Hello…
Hello…
VOICE
OFF FROM INSIDE OFFICE (RUBBENSTOFF)
Fuck
off! I told you already, you blind bastard! Can’t you see the light is
on? Just give me a few
minutes. Bastard…
MISS
TÄKEN (now louder)
Excuse
me… Mr. Rubbenstoff?
(Sound of noises from inside office. Rustling of
paper, banging of drawers and coughing.)
VOICE
OFF FROM INSIDE OFFICE (RUBBENSTOFF)
Oh…
Come in. Please come in.
(MISS TÄKEN opens the door and enters the
office. Getting up from a desk and coming to shake her hand is RUBBENSTOFF)
RUBBENSTOFF
(shaking MISS TÄKEN’s hand)
You
must be Delia. Sandra told me about you. You can call me Marty.
(RUBBENSTOFF indicates a couch against the wall
by a window looking out onto the parking lot.)
RUBBENSTOFF
(removing jacket)
I
was expecting you about a half-hour ago, but who gives a shit? So
where’d’we do it? You like
couches?
MISS TÄKEN (confused)
I’m not sure that I… that
you…
RUBBENSTOFF (undoing belt)
Hey, honey. Whatever you
like. Just no bondage crap, right.
(RUBBENSTOFF looks carefully at MISS TÄKEN,
puzzled)
RUBBENSTOFF
(slightly aggressive)
They
did tell you that at the agency, didn’t they? (Pause) I mean I can
take…
(MISS TÄKEN interrupts him)
MISS
TÄKEN (interrupting. embarrassed)
I’m
afraid there must be some sort of mix-up here. My name is Gloria
Täken. From Negative Falls , Iowa
(RUBBENSTOFF is taken aback by this)
RUBBENSTOFF
(puzzled at first)
The contest… Negative Falls
MISS TÄKEN (smiling)
Certainly.
RUBBENSTOFF
I mean, what a head I’ve
got…
(At his desk, RUBBENSTOFF presses a button and
speaks into an intercom)
RUBBENSTOFF
Marlene, cancel all my calls
for the next five minutes.
VOICE OFF ON INTERCOM
(MARLENE)
Sure that’s enough time,
Marty?
RUBBENSTOFF (nastily, to
intercom)
Thanks, honey. (Turning to
MISS TÄKEN, pleasantly) Now, what can I do for you, Gloria?
MISS TÄKEN
Miss Täken.
RUBBENSTOFF
Of course… Miss Täken.
MISS TÄKEN
As I said, I am a contestant
on “Answer the Question”, and…
RUBBENSTOFF (interrupting;
nodding in agreement)
Of course you are.
MISS TÄKEN (puzzled)
Precisely. And I…
RUBBENSTOFF (interrupting)
Of course you do. But I’m
sorry, Miss Täken. You need to speak to Mr. Reimer. (again to intercom)
Marlene, get me Buck if you can find him. (to MISS TÄKEN) Mr. Reimer is the
host of the show. He’ll look after you until we are ready to start shooting.
(RUBBENSTOFF goes silent, and looks at MISS
TÄKEN, also silent and unsure of what to do)
RUBBENSTOFF
(glancing hesitatingly at the door)
Mr.
Reimer will look after you until we are ready to start shooting…
MISS
TÄKEN
That
is most kind of him.
RUBBENSTOFF
(nodding)
He’s a kind man. (Pause)
Don’t come any kinder. (Now looking at the
door) He’ll look after you
until we are ready to start shooting.
Miss Täken waits
in the corridor outside Mr. Rubbenstoff’s office. The next few hours seemed to
her to be like the whirlwind at the beginning of “The Wizard of Oz”, her
favorite film. There followed an endless round of meeting people whose names
she found it difficult to commit to memory. First there was Mr. Huck Reimer,
who asked her to call him “Buck”, and who kindly took her to meet Roger
“Rabbit” Dillnutt, who was called the ‘Floor Manager’, and whom Miss Täken was
tempted to speak about the untidy state of the floor in the corridor. She
thought better of the suggestion, as much of the mess in the corridor was made
up of empty beer bottles and cigarette stubs, and Mr. Dillnutt was constantly
drinking from a bottle and smoking strange-shaped cigarettes.
Mr. Dillnutt gave
her a tablet to swallow, which he said would help her with her nerves, as well
as another one, to suck, in order to keep her voice clear. He then took her to
a large and very tidy room full of mirrors. “I’ll introduce you to Make-up”, he
had said, a phrase that Miss Täken found somewhat curious. While she waited in
the company of Mr. Dillnutt she saw many people wandering around the studio
placing signs and colored lights in positions facing a large area with linoleum
panels on the floor. After a short while a young gentleman appeared wearing
earrings and brightly colored rings on his fingers. “I’ll leave you with
Make-up,” said Mr. Dillnutt, even more curiously, and then left to go about his
business, still drinking and smoking. The young gentleman said that his name
was ‘Guy’, and laughed as he said “Hi honey, I’m Guy, the make-up guy.” Miss
Täken did not understand what was so funny about this, or why this gentleman
was calling her ‘honey’, when they had not even really been introduced properly.
“Miss Gloria Täken,” she answered politely. ‘Guy’ then asked her to sit at a
chair near to a sink and began preparing some liquids and powders.
“You nervous, honey?” Guy asked her, and
continued before she could answer, whilst he gently massaged her temples with
his fingers, standing behind her and occasionally stooping down and looking at
her face and hers reflected together in the mirror. “Everyone’s nervous the
first time. At least I was, but
that’s a different story. A different ball-game, you might say”, and he laughed
again. Miss Täken laughed also, only a slight giggle. “Oh, now you’re loosening
up. That’s the spirit. Here, take one of these,” he said, handing her a small,
white tablet, and filling a little glass with water. Miss Täken gulped down the
tablet, and indeed felt that she was becoming more relaxed. “Here,” said ‘Guy’,
“take one of these as well. They make your eyes shine bright on camera.” Miss
Täken did as he said, and began ‘loosening up’ even more as ‘Guy’ gently rubbed
the back of her neck with his thumbs. “We don’t want you looking stiff on
national TV, do we?” he laughed. “After all, it’s a family show.” And he was
laughing again as Miss Täken felt she was falling into a deep sleep.
More fortunate
than she can possibly imagine, Miss Täken slumbers soundly throughout the chaos
of the final preparations for the first live showing of “Answer the Question”,
although the occasional twitching of the side of her mouth, fluttering of
eyelids and blubbering of the words “yes” and “Jed” may be seen as indicative
of some form of pathological activity. Even Guy’s touching tenor-alto rendition
of “I was given one chance on this spinning globe and boy did I fuck it up”, a
song reportedly turned down by Frank Sinatra, is not sufficient to bring her forth
from the land of nod. Thus, the sometimes distressing spectacle of Reimer,
Rabbit and Rubbenstoff engaged in heated exchange punctuated by tooth picking,
brow wiping and scrotum scratching will not be part of the memories of New York
City that she takes back to Iowa in the company of the towel from her hotel.
Foremost among
the worries shared by this panic-stricken triumvirate are the difficulties
presented by the fact that the show is being broadcast “live” in a nation with
four major time zones. Marlene explains the basic principles of “delayed live
reality”, i.e., that the show will be broadcast at the same time on the clock
over a four hour period so that when it ends in LA at five o’clock it will be
eight o’clock in New York. This explanation is, rather unsurprisingly, given
the nature of its receivers, not a success. Rubbenstoff, who has visited LA on
many occasions for professional reasons, claims that he never noticed a time
difference on any of these trips, and is particularly worried about how he will
occupy an extra three hours in the privacy of his office. Reimer, who has an
MBA, a course that includes math in most American universities, although never,
admittedly, getting down to the level of the mantissa, is worried about the
possibility of cheating that such a broadcast permits. “People,” he points out,
“can phone someone on the West Coast and tell them the right answers almost
four hours before we ask the questions. Then,” he adds, “someone can phone the
contestants back here on the East Coast, tell them the answers, and they’ll win
easily.” Rabbit, who is apparently in a time zone all of his own by now,
listens patiently to Marlene’s explanation. After short consideration, he gives
his verdict on the predicament: “It’s just like High School, man. Y’know, like
timetables and things? Like one hour for one thing, like, and another hour for
some other fucking thing… y’know, like?”
Marlene is happy
to leave the three men wrapping their minds around this meaty problem,
grappling with its implications. At least, she sensibly and correctly
concludes, it will keep them from wrapping other parts of their bodies around
anything else. And, she knows, everyone will come to what modicum of senses
they possess as soon as the call is announced for the broadcast to begin and
the jingle begins to play.
“Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed
be thy“, begins Miss Täken after a mysterious voice from above had boomed out
“Places everybody, thirty seconds and counting.” There then followed,
irreverently drowning out Miss Täken’s hallowed words, a complicated set of
shouted instructions and crouched rushing from one place to another with no
apparent purpose, culminating in the theme tune to “Answer the Question”, now
being broadcast to an expectant nation, yet unseen to the occupants of the
studio and particularly to the “audience”, cut off from the set by a battery of
cameras. Indeed, their only purpose seemed to be to respond correctly to a
series of signs held up by “Audience Response Technicians”, and which herald
such instructions as “Smile”, “Laugh”, “All Together”, “Applause”, “Wild
Applause”, “Thunderous Applause”, “Sigh” and “Look Disappointed”, although not
necessarily in that order, as most of the “audience”, after two hours of
rehearsals, need little stimulation in order to produce the last expression.
And then:
RECORDING
OF FEMALE VOICES SINGING (OFF)
Welcome,
welcome, welcome!
Welcome one and all!
To
the show that beats them all!
It’s
question time again,
Time to brush down your
brain,
And…
Technician holds up “All Together” sign.
AUDIENCE
(shouting)
Answer
the Question!
Technician holds up “Wild Applause” sign.
Audience applauds, hoots and whistles. Camera pans over audience and zooms in
on Reimer’s face.
REIMER
(smiling profusely; holding cards)
Yes
folks…
Technician holds up “Applause” sign. Audience
applauds. One or two hoots.
Yes
folks, once again it’s your show, for the first time live…
Technician holds up “Wild Applause” sign.
Audience applauds and hoots.
Thank
you… Thank you… For the first time live on National TV, across
this great nation of ours…
Technician holds up “Applause” sign. Audience
applauds.
from
New York…
Technician holds up “Applause” sign. Audience
applauds.
to
LA…
Wild applause, hooting and whistling from three
men in audience. Enhanced close up on Reimer’s face.
REIMER
(smiling)
And,
folks, in line with our national profile, and as you know, we have held
regional heats throughout
the summer…
Audience applauds wildly.
and tonight we are proud and
pleased to introduce our first national contestant… Miss Gloria Täken, from
Negative Falls, Iowa.
Technician holds up “Wild Applause” sign.
Audience applauds wildly. Camera pans in on Miss Täken’s face. Miss Täken
smiles and glances towards the area where the “audience” is hidden.
MISS
TÄKEN (smiling nervously)
Amen.
Audience applauds. Camera closes on Reimer.
REIMER
(slightly thrown)
Er…
and as her special subject of knowledge, Miss Täken has chosen the
history and geography of the
great state of Iowa.
Technician holds up “Applause” sign. Audience
applauds. Miss Täken nods and smiles to camera.
REIMER
And
so, after a quick word from our sponsor, we’ll be back with the show
that not only “beats them
all”, but “beats the Mall” (laughs).
Technician holds up “Laugh” and “Applause”
signs. Audience laughs then applauds. Fade out to black over “Answer the
Question” tune without voices. Cameras on standby.
During the
commercial break Rubbenstoff and Rabbit rush towards the center of the set for
a short “stock-taking”. Miss Täken is beside herself with embarrassment. “I’m
so sorry, Mr. Rubbenstoff. It just slipped out. I was finishing my prayer and…“
Rubbenstoff, beside himself with effusive joy, reassures her as best as he
knows how. “Sorry?” he blurts out. “Sweetheart, that was the best thing that
I’ve seen slip out all day! Marry me now!” And he continues: “Brilliant!
Brilliant! The phones are hot and the fax machine is using paper like it’s got
diarrhea! ‘Amen’. I love it! Why didn’t I think of the fucking word? He turns
to Rabbit, who is beside himself with illegal substances. “Rabbit, from now on
all our contestants say ‘Amen’ when they greet the audience. You dig?” Rabbit,
for whom the word merely has the signification of an obscure sixties sub-hippie
rock group, is in, as it were, his element. “Dig, boss. You got it. ‘Amen’,
like. Fucking ‘Amen’”, and he wanders off muttering the word to himself.
If it were not
for the fact that the fleshy area slightly above Miss Täken’s wrist joint had
withstood a series of sharp and painful pinches then she would have been
perfectly unsurprised to see the scruffy figure of a rabid mongrel emerge from
behind one of the flats on the set. “Toto,” she might have said, “I don’t think
we are in Kansas anymore.” As, indeed, she was not; nor was she back in Iowa,
but events were moving that way as orange lights flashed and a sound like a
goose being strangled announced the end of the commercial break.
RECORDING
OF FEMALE VOICES SINGING (OFF)
We’re
back, we’re back.
You
didn’t go away.
Sit
back, sit back.
Now
it’s time to play.
Technician holds up “Wild Applause” sign. The
audience applauds. One person imitates the noise of a goose being strangled,
although thinking he is imitating the sound of the “Positions Please” buzzer.
REIMER
Amen
and thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
The audience applauds.
And
now we come to the moment you have all been waiting for…
The camera pulls in close on Reimer’s face. The
blue-white lights on the set dim gradually, and are replaced by a slow orange
glow growing in intensity and then throbbing ominously, suggesting the presence
of an alien life form behind, if not in, Reimer’s head.
REIMER
It’s
time to get serious folks. (Pause) It’s time to ‘Answer the Question’.
The audience applauds. There is the background
sound of drilling drum music, of the kind one may hear at solemn military
funerals, played in an often vain attempt to provide an atmosphere solemn
enough to stop people bursting out laughing.
REIMER
And
so, Miss Täken, for ten dollars…
Close up of Miss Täken.
REIMER
What
is the capital city of the state of Iowa?
MISS
TÄKEN
Des
Moines.
Thunderous applause, rising of lights, the sound
of alarm bells and ambulance klaxons.
REIMER
Des
Moines it is! Correct.
Wild applause, hooting and geese-strangling. The
set returns to its ‘questions ambiance’. Close up of Miss Täken.
REIMER
And
now, Miss Täken, for one hundred dollars… Two major rivers pass
Through the state of Iowa…
Can you name them?
MISS TÄKEN
The Mississippi and the
Missouri…
REIMER (studying card)
The Mississippi…and the
Missouri… Correcto! Correcto!
Wild applause from audience. Klaxons, flashing
lights and wild geese-strangling.
REIMER
Amen,
folks, amen… And now, after a short commercial break, we’ll be
back for the one thousand
dollar -- count them -- one thousand dollar question.
Following the
performing of the theme tune, the program proceeds with a live contribution by
the house orchestra, effortlessly brassing their merry way through a medley of
sixties ‘classics’ and culminating in ‘Downtown’ as sung by Petula Clark. This
mind-numbing spectacle is followed by two live ‘in-house’ commercials. Miss
Täken’s glassy eyes stare in what might conceivably be considered as disbelief
as she witnesses, among other hairy moments of consumer stimulation, performing
squirrels advertise pet-food, and the latest product from the General Electric
company, an entirely plastic floatable self-generating electric refrigerator,
‘for those areas often hit by floods’. In addition to its remarkable qualities
it could, claimed the representative, ‘act as a life-saving dinghy, capable of
carrying two men or one small boy and a donkey’.
Miss Täken’s
gaping mouth is closed by the introductory music to part three.
REIMER (close up over
applause)
Amen once again! And welcome
back to the third and final part of tonight’s show…
Audience applauds. Hardly any hooting.
REIMER
And
so, Miss Täken, for one thousand dollars… Herbert Hoover was
President of the United
States in what order?
Audience gasps, although no sign indicates this.
MISS
TÄKEN (glassy-eyed)
Mr.
Herbert Hoover was the thirty-first president of the United States.
REIMER
(looking at card)
That
is correct! Unbelievable!
Audience breathe sigh of relief. One man hoots.
Applause.
REIMER
And
now, Miss Täken, for five thousand dollars, and I must remind you
that what you have won is
yours even if you answer incorrectly after this question, but you must get this
one right. Are you ready?
MISS TÄKEN (staring straight
at camera)
I am…
REIMER
Amen. So, for five thousand
dollars… On what precise day did Iowa join the Union?
MISS TÄKEN (rubbing eyes)
(Pause) I think…
REIMER (sweating)
Yes…
MISS TÄKEN (smiling)
I believe it was December 28th
1846.
REIMER (wiping brow)
In-cred-ible!
Rapturous applause. Sighing, gasping and shouts
of “Miss Täken! Miss Täken!” Dimming of lights. Intense alien glow. Background
sound of tap dripping.
REIMER
Thank
you, thank you. And now, Miss Täken, five thousand dollars are
yours no matter how you perform from
now on. Do you wish to continue?
MISS TÄKEN (staccato)
I certainly do. I certainly
do.
REIMER
Miss Täken, for ten thousand
dollars… Iowa celebrates a famous
European composer. Who was
that composer, and when and where did
he live in Iowa?
Gasps from audience.
MISS TÄKEN
I think I know the answer…
Gasps from Rubbenstoff, one eye, as it were, on
the CCTV in his office.
REIMER
(gasping)
Er…
Miss Täken, you don’t have to answer the question if you are not
sure…
MISS TÄKEN (sure)
I’m sure I know.
Cheers from audience. Shouts of “Answer the
Question”.
REIMER
Miss
Täken, I don’t need to remind you of…
MISS
TÄKEN (interrupting)
I
know the rules.
Reimer looks around, bewildered.
MISS
TÄKEN (staccato)
I
know who the composer was… and… I think…
REIMER
You
must answer the complete question.
MISS
TÄKEN
…and…
REIMER
Yes…
MISS
TÄKEN
…and…
REIMER
I
have to hurry you… What is the correct answer, Miss Täken?
MISS
TÄKEN
There
is no future in the refrigerator.
A hush falls upon
the audience. As it does upon isolated locations all along the Eastern
seaboard, from Maine to Florida. In homes where mommies watch in peace whilst
juniors play happily with hand-held playstations. In bars, coffee shops and
diners where customers absent-mindedly drink and eat, one eye on the TV. In
trailer parks, in stretch limos and in expensive beach houses. And in
Rubbenstoff’s office. All over America people repeat the phrase. “There is no
future in the refrigerator”, they say happily. They recount the episode to each
other over car phones, cell phones, by e-mail, in chat rooms, shouting to each
other over the fence in the yard or from one window to another. “There is no
future in the refrigerator”, they repeat, with a smile, but now more
thoughtfully. “There is no future in the refrigerator”. Yet each time they tell
the story it becomes less funny. “There is no future in the refrigerator”, they
almost chant, now more somber, more serious, or even depressed, strangely
feeling abandoned and alone; perhaps like someone all those years ago in
Spillville, Iowa.
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